Thursday, October 19, 2006

vulnerable?

I just came back from a voice lesson in which I couldn't sing, everytime I opened my mouth I just started crying, which for those of you who have tried singing does not happen when you are crying, so I'm going back tomorrow to try again.

The thing is that on the superficial level it should not have happened; myu teacher had just chastised me for not being prepared for an audition that he had been the adjudicator for the evening before. It was for the soprano solo in the Brahms German requim. In my defense it's not right for my voice, and I've been super busy with grad school prep and these things called classes, none-the-less he was completely right and I should have simply not auditioned rather than walk in only moderately prepared. The problem is that I have become really lax about these things because no-matter my preperation, I will get solos here because I have more training and commitment to singing than most people at this institution.

Anyhow, what was something that I could normally have just dealt with (because he was right and I knew it) just made it impossible for me to do anything. Why?

Well, my grandfather died about a year ago and that has been on my mind alot. I was lucky enough to have a really great relationship with him, he was such a kind and wise person...though not outdoor savy (he once told us to not bother trimming the lower branches of a tree because they would just grow up with the tree and not be as close to the ground in time) HOwever I'm not sure if this is it.

This is a very emotionally taxing institution to attend, there are no peaks and troughs in work load or intensity, you essentially have 10 weeks of grind. Perhaps I'm feeling the strain of not haveing my best friend here this year (though for all practical purposes it has not been an issue). It makes a difference if you don't have the person who you rely upon for the most immediat support not be there.

Also I think I've gotten to a place where I am just not emotionally invested in academia in the same way. I had such an amazing vocal coaching earlier this week, I'm working so much in choirs and practicing, that I'm just ready for this to be my life, but I have the more immediate pressures of classes.

Anyhow a reveiw of the Lyric Opera's Iphigenie en Tauride is forth coming.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey em sounds like it was a tough day and week for you in general. i myself have had one of the weirdest incidents ever happen to me on wednesday.
evan

Anonymous said...

em, as it is 1:37am and I am trying to find some words of encouragement, all things that I would usually say, something in general about life, or understanding... seem cheap. After reading your entry only questions followed. How do we summon the extra something to be more than the average person. How do we make it so we aren't attempting so many things that nothing is coming out right... how do we attempt everything and do everything like it's the only thing we are dedicating our lives to? I have no answers. Nor do you need my answers if I did have them. For it is something we must discover on our own.

I've read this over, and think that it sounds a little distant, probably due to my own lack of direction and modivation lately. All leading to extreme bouts of ditziness and stupid mistakes. I hope that this curse does not transfer over long distances. Love you.

Sarah

Anonymous said...

SENIORITIS!

Campbell Vertesi said...

We all have those days Em... just keep working through it. Remember that you have to be in this for the love of the process and the results you get by surviving through these tough times.

On the other hand - I lost my "investment in academia" three years ago in my senior year of undergrad. I'm still in academia, I just stopped trying in that field. I discovered that I could get good enough grades to keep my scholarship with a minimum of effort in that field - leaving me free to devote WAYYYYY more time to singing. It's made all the difference in the world.

Wow, is that the sort of thing I should be saying on a public forum? But there it is. You can only do a limited number of things with your time. Choose homework, or singing. I'll never forget the aquaintance of mine who failed out of his undergrad and later, his AD... but became a strong enough singer that he was ACCEPTED for that AD after being kicked out of the undergrad, and that when he left the AD he went straight to Lindemann, turning down Houston Grand and a host of other big YAPs.

I don't propose that you fail out, but by all means slack on those academics... and use the time to sing.